Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Murphy's Laws of Computer Programming...

 Definition
A working program is one that has only unobserved bugs.
  1. Every non- trivial program has at least one bug
    Corollary 1 - A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs.
    Corollary 2 - At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization.
  2. Bugs will appear in one part of a working program when another 'unrelated' part is modified.
  3. The subtlest bugs cause the greatest damage and problems.
    Corollary - A subtle bug will modify storage thereby masquerading as some other problem.
  4. Lulled into Security Law
    A 'debugged' program that crashes will wipe out source files on storage devices when there is the least available backup.
  5. A hardware failure will cause system software to crash, and the customer engineer will blame the programmer.
  6. A system software crash will cause hardware to act strangely and the programmers will blame the customer engineer.
  7. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
  8. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
  9. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
  10. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
  11. Any program will expand to fill available memory.
  12. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
  13. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
  14. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
  15. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
  16. Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers can not write in English.
  17. The documented interfaces between standard software modules will have undocumented quirks.
  18. The probability of a hardware failure disappearing is inversely proportional to the distance between the computer and the customer engineer. 

Ramayan in simple Hindi...

Poori RAMAYAN biwiyon ki kahani hai.....

Laxman apni ghar pe chhodkar chala aya.

Raawan doosre ki utha ke fas gaya.

Hanuman ki apni thi hi nahi, magar doosre ki dhundh ne mein Lanka jala dali.

Ram ko apni wapas laane ke liye dus din tak yudh karna pada...

Aur waapas lake bhi kya mila?

Ek dhobi ne apni biwi ko wapas ghar mein nahin liya, to Ram ne apniwali ko out kar diya.

Aur end mein kya hua?Jis biwi ke kaaran itni badi ramayan hui woh to underground ho gayi!

Abhi tum-ich socho boss... Yeh akhaa jhamela hua kaayko?

Kyun ki Dashrath ki 3 biwiyan thi!!! 

Side Effects of Alcohol and its cures...

BEWARE of these side effects & Take necessary care!!

1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink On your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You’re lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You’re looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

4. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You’re being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they’re taking you.

5. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You’re in an ambulance.
Cure: Don’t move. Let the professionals do their job.

Murphy's Laws of Dating...

Just when you thought it was safe to go out ...

  1. Every girl already has a boyfriend.
  2. If you think things are going well in a relationship, you have overlooked something.
  3. Given enough time, any relationship will end unhappily.
  4. Everywhere in the world, women outnumber men. The only exceptions to this are the place you live and any place you may move to.
  5. Women will talk to you if and only if they are unavailable.
  6. No woman will treat you as badly as the woman you marry.

A few corollaries:

Farber's Fourth Law
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
The Heisenberg Principle of Dating
You cannot know both the location of a female and that she is single at any given time. If the location of the female in question is known, see Law #1
Katz's Law
Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Principle of Diminishing Returns
The amount of time you spend getting ready for a date is inversely proportional to how well it will turn out. 

REUNION...

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and are very young.10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and there is a terrific wine selection.10 years later, at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant has a beautiful view of the ocean.10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and there is even an elevator.10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.......

Grounds for Divorce...

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?""It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please. . ." he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"


"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"

Shaving...

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a  small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place  this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber.  "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Sent from my iPhone®

Ramayana retold by an NRI Kid...

A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it..."

So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... . Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so..... he decided to get his wife and his bro along.... you know...so that they could all chill out together.

But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows.... so it was fine. But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood.. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods.

So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok...So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood.... Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know.... no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice...

and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and stuff ... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also...so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks... And this is how diwali started...


The mother fainted..
Sent from my iPhone®

Sardar - Enlightening!!!

CREDIT TO SARDARS

We all love Sardar jokes.But do you know that Sikhs are one of the
hardest
working, prosperous and diversified communities in the world!

My friend told me about the following incident which I wish to share with
you. It has had a deep impact on my thinking.

During the last vacation, a few friends came to Delhi . They rented a
taxi for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar and boys being
boys, these pals began cracking Sardarji jokes, just to tease the old man.
But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed..

At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid the cab hire charges. The
Sardar
returned the change, but he gave each one of them one rupee extra and
said,''Sons, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I
listened
to them all and let me tell you, some of them were in bad taste. Still, I
don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet to see the
world.
But I have one request. I am giving you one rupee each. Give it to the
first
Sardar beggar that you come across in this or any other city !!!"

My friend continued, "That one rupee coin is still with me. I couldn't
find
a single Sardar begging anywhere."


MORAL:
The secret behind their universal success is their willingness to do any
job with utmost dedication and pride. A Sardar will drive a truck or set
up
a roadside garage or a dhaba, run a fruit juice stall, take up small time
carpentry, ... but he will never beg on the streets.

 

Because Sikhs contribute:

* 33% of total income tax
* 67% of total charities
* 45% of Indian Army

* 59,000++ Gurudwaras serve LANGAR to 5,900,000+ people everyday!

  & All this when they make only 1.4% of the total INDIAN POPULATION.

Understanding Derivatives...

Heidi is  the proprietor of a bar in Detroit .

She realizes that virtually all of  her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no  longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up  with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now,  but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks  consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets  around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy  and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into  Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit .

By providing her customers freedom from immediate  payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular  intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and  beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales  volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic  vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer  debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's  borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for any undue  concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as  collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate  headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge  commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINK BONDS.

These  "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really  understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured  Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless,  the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon  become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading  brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices  still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank  decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts  incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs  Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic  patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back  their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan  obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and  Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINK BOND prices drop by  90%.

The  collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and  economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had  granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their  firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.

They find  they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with  losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine  supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family  business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier  is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the
local  plant and lays off 150 workers..

Fortunately though, the bank, the  brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and  bailed out by a multi-billion dollar no-strings attached cash  infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout  are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class,  nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's  bar.

Now  do you understand what hit you?