A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?""It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please. . ." he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a  small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place  this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber.  "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it..."

So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... . Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so..... he decided to get his wife and his bro along.... you know...so that they could all chill out together.

But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows.... so it was fine. But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood.. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods.

So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok...So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood.... Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know.... no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice...

and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and stuff ... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also...so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks... And this is how diwali started...

The mother fainted..
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CREDIT TO SARDARS

We all love Sardar jokes.But do you know that Sikhs are one of the
hardest
working, prosperous and diversified communities in the world!

My friend told me about the following incident which I wish to share with
you. It has had a deep impact on my thinking.

During the last vacation, a few friends came to Delhi . They rented a
taxi for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar and boys being
boys, these pals began cracking Sardarji jokes, just to tease the old man.
But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed..

At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid the cab hire charges. The
Sardar
returned the change, but he gave each one of them one rupee extra and
said,''Sons, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I
listened
to them all and let me tell you, some of them were in bad taste. Still, I
don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet to see the
world.
But I have one request. I am giving you one rupee each. Give it to the
first
Sardar beggar that you come across in this or any other city !!!"

My friend continued, "That one rupee coin is still with me. I couldn't
find
a single Sardar begging anywhere."

MORAL:
The secret behind their universal success is their willingness to do any
job with utmost dedication and pride. A Sardar will drive a truck or set
up
a roadside garage or a dhaba, run a fruit juice stall, take up small time
carpentry, ... but he will never beg on the streets.

 

Because Sikhs contribute:

* 33% of total income tax
* 67% of total charities
* 45% of Indian Army

* 59,000++ Gurudwaras serve LANGAR to 5,900,000+ people everyday!

  & All this when they make only 1.4% of the total INDIAN POPULATION.

Heidi is  the proprietor of a bar in Detroit .

She realizes that virtually all of  her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no  longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up  with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now,  but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks  consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets  around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy  and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into  Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit .

By providing her customers freedom from immediate  payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular  intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and  beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales  volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic  vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer  debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's  borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for any undue  concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as  collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate  headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge  commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINK BONDS.

These  "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really  understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured  Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless,  the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon  become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading  brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices  still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank  decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts  incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs  Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic  patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back  their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan  obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and  Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINK BOND prices drop by  90%.

The  collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and  economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had  granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their  firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.

They find  they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with  losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine  supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family  business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier  is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the
local  plant and lays off 150 workers..

Fortunately though, the bank, the  brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and  bailed out by a multi-billion dollar no-strings attached cash  infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout  are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class,  nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's  bar.

Now  do you understand what hit you?

In a small town, a person decided to open up his Bar business, which was right opposite to the Temple. The Temple and its congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business. Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground. The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means. In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn't...'

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse...

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a  crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket...

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it???

1. Always order soup 1 by 2 (invented in India ) That way you get more if you had ordered 1 soup with an extra bowl.

2. When ordering sugar cane juice, first  insist on no ice cubes. However after the first few sips, ask for the ice cubes with a straight face.

3. Ask for extra puri when you are just finishing your bhel or sev-puri. It is absolutely ok !

4. Ask for free cucumber / boiled aloo after you have eaten and paid for your sandwich. Remember ~ after you have paid.

5. Sample all the ice cream flavors free at Naturals  Ice Cream  and then order Sitaphal.

6. When buying peanuts or groundnuts or Chana-Chor-Garam it is ok to keep on munching freebies from the display area till the time your order is getting packed. It is your birthright !

7. At most Mughlai restaurants, you can make a small meal with the free Papad,peanuts, onions, pickles and chutney so you can skip the starters.

8. Always ask for free sherbet after you have super sucked your Kala Khatta Gola back into ice.

9. It is absolutely ok to pocket the free toothpicks, mint packets and fenugreekseeds served at restaurants - to be used for your parties at home.

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
    Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful
banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other
people
she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello - How are you!
We've
been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into
Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch
the
Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates
of
Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I
lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around
the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I
fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, she replied.

*Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to
pay!*

One day a man decided to retire... he booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the
ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts and other tropical fruits. After
about four months of lying on the beach one day the most gorgeous
woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asked,
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replied, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I
landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he noted. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explained the woman. "I made the boat out of some
raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum
tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, the sides
from casurina and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of
the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I
found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it
melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools
to make the hardware." Its similar to the Mi The guy was stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she said. So, after a short time of
rowing, she soon docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked
to shore, he nearly fell off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk
leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the
woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man
could only stare ahead, dumb struck.  As they walked into the house,
she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down,
please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No!  No thank you," the man blurted out, still dazed.  "I can't take
another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winked the woman. "I have a still.  How
would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat
down on her couch to talk. After they exchanged their individual
survival stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man went upstairs into the
bathroom.  There, in the cabinet was a razor made from a piece of
tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened
on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he mused.  "What's next?"  When he returned,
she greeted him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines,
each strategically positioned while she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's
something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for, right?" She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean..." he swallowed
excitedly as tears started to form in his eyes, "You've even built a
Golf Course ..... !!"