Definition

A working program is one that has only unobserved bugs.

1. Every non- trivial program has at least one bug
   Corollary 1 - A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs.
   Corollary 2 - At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization.
2. Bugs will appear in one part of a working program when another 'unrelated' part is modified.
3. The subtlest bugs cause the greatest damage and problems.
   Corollary - A subtle bug will modify storage thereby masquerading as some other problem.
4. Lulled into Security Law
   A 'debugged' program that crashes will wipe out source files on storage devices when there is the least available backup.
5. A hardware failure will cause system software to crash, and the customer engineer will blame the programmer.
6. A system software crash will cause hardware to act strangely and the programmers will blame the customer engineer.
7. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
8. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
9. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
10. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
11. Any program will expand to fill available memory.
12. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
13. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
14. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
15. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
16. Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers can not write in English.
17. The documented interfaces between standard software modules will have undocumented quirks.
18. The probability of a hardware failure disappearing is inversely proportional to the distance between the computer and the customer engineer. 

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Laxman apni ghar pe chhodkar chala aya.

Raawan doosre ki utha ke fas gaya.

Hanuman ki apni thi hi nahi, magar doosre ki dhundh ne mein Lanka jala dali.

Ram ko apni wapas laane ke liye dus din tak yudh karna pada...

Aur waapas lake bhi kya mila?

Ek dhobi ne apni biwi ko wapas ghar mein nahin liya, to Ram ne apniwali ko out kar diya.

Aur end mein kya hua?Jis biwi ke kaaran itni badi ramayan hui woh to underground ho gayi!

Abhi tum-ich socho boss... Yeh akhaa jhamela hua kaayko?

Kyun ki Dashrath ki 3 biwiyan thi!!! 

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1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink On your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You’re lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You’re looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

4. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You’re being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they’re taking you.

5. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You’re in an ambulance.
Cure: Don’t move. Let the professionals do their job.

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Just when you thought it was safe to go out ...

1. Every girl already has a boyfriend.
2. If you think things are going well in a relationship, you have overlooked something.
3. Given enough time, any relationship will end unhappily.
4. Everywhere in the world, women outnumber men. The only exceptions to this are the place you live and any place you may move to.
5. Women will talk to you if and only if they are unavailable.
6. No woman will treat you as badly as the woman you marry.

A few corollaries:

Farber's Fourth Law

Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

The Heisenberg Principle of Dating

You cannot know both the location of a female and that she is single at any given time. If the location of the female in question is known, see Law #1

Katz's Law

Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Principle of Diminishing Returns

The amount of time you spend getting ready for a date is inversely proportional to how well it will turn out. 

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She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?""It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please. . ." he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"

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"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a  small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place  this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber.  "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Sent from my iPhone®

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So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... . Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so..... he decided to get his wife and his bro along.... you know...so that they could all chill out together.

But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows.... so it was fine. But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood.. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods.

So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok...So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood.... Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know.... no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice...

and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and stuff ... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also...so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks... And this is how diwali started...

The mother fainted..
Sent from my iPhone®

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We all love Sardar jokes.But do you know that Sikhs are one of the
hardest
working, prosperous and diversified communities in the world!

My friend told me about the following incident which I wish to share with
you. It has had a deep impact on my thinking.

During the last vacation, a few friends came to Delhi . They rented a
taxi for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar and boys being
boys, these pals began cracking Sardarji jokes, just to tease the old man.
But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed..

At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid the cab hire charges. The
Sardar
returned the change, but he gave each one of them one rupee extra and
said,''Sons, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I
listened
to them all and let me tell you, some of them were in bad taste. Still, I
don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet to see the
world.
But I have one request. I am giving you one rupee each. Give it to the
first
Sardar beggar that you come across in this or any other city !!!"

My friend continued, "That one rupee coin is still with me. I couldn't
find
a single Sardar begging anywhere."

MORAL:
The secret behind their universal success is their willingness to do any
job with utmost dedication and pride. A Sardar will drive a truck or set
up
a roadside garage or a dhaba, run a fruit juice stall, take up small time
carpentry, ... but he will never beg on the streets.

Because Sikhs contribute:

* 33% of total income tax
* 67% of total charities
* 45% of Indian Army

* 59,000++ Gurudwaras serve LANGAR to 5,900,000+ people everyday!

  & All this when they make only 1.4% of the total INDIAN POPULATION.

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She realizes that virtually all of  her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no  longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up  with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now,  but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks  consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets  around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy  and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into  Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit .

By providing her customers freedom from immediate  payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular  intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and  beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales  volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic  vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer  debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's  borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for any undue  concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as  collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate  headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge  commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINK BONDS.

These  "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really  understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured  Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless,  the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon  become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading  brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices  still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank  decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts  incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs  Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic  patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back  their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan  obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and  Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINK BOND prices drop by  90%.

The  collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and  economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had  granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their  firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.

They find  they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with  losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine  supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family  business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier  is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the
local  plant and lays off 150 workers..

Fortunately though, the bank, the  brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and  bailed out by a multi-billion dollar no-strings attached cash  infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout  are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class,  nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's  bar.

Now  do you understand what hit you?

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I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse...

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a  crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket...

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it???

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2. When ordering sugar cane juice, first  insist on no ice cubes. However after the first few sips, ask for the ice cubes with a straight face.

3. Ask for extra puri when you are just finishing your bhel or sev-puri. It is absolutely ok !

4. Ask for free cucumber / boiled aloo after you have eaten and paid for your sandwich. Remember ~ after you have paid.

5. Sample all the ice cream flavors free at Naturals  Ice Cream  and then order Sitaphal.

6. When buying peanuts or groundnuts or Chana-Chor-Garam it is ok to keep on munching freebies from the display area till the time your order is getting packed. It is your birthright !

7. At most Mughlai restaurants, you can make a small meal with the free Papad,peanuts, onions, pickles and chutney so you can skip the starters.

8. Always ask for free sherbet after you have super sucked your Kala Khatta Gola back into ice.

9. It is absolutely ok to pocket the free toothpicks, mint packets and fenugreekseeds served at restaurants - to be used for your parties at home.

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They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello - How are you!
We've
been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into
Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch
the
Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates
of
Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I
lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around
the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I
fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, she replied.

*Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to
pay!*

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He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts and other tropical fruits. After
about four months of lying on the beach one day the most gorgeous
woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asked,
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replied, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I
landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he noted. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explained the woman. "I made the boat out of some
raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum
tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, the sides
from casurina and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of
the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I
found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it
melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools
to make the hardware." Its similar to the Mi The guy was stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she said. So, after a short time of
rowing, she soon docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked
to shore, he nearly fell off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk
leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the
woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man
could only stare ahead, dumb struck.  As they walked into the house,
she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down,
please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No!  No thank you," the man blurted out, still dazed.  "I can't take
another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winked the woman. "I have a still.  How
would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat
down on her couch to talk. After they exchanged their individual
survival stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man went upstairs into the
bathroom.  There, in the cabinet was a razor made from a piece of
tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened
on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he mused.  "What's next?"  When he returned,
she greeted him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines,
each strategically positioned while she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's
something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for, right?" She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean..." he swallowed
excitedly as tears started to form in his eyes, "You've even built a
Golf Course ..... !!"

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"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.."

________________________________

· Oracle, Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

________________________________

· Another gem from CDAC. Leave letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

________________________________

· From H.A.L, Administration Dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
________________________________

· Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
________________________________

· An incident of a illness:

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

________________________________

· A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

________________________________

· Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

________________________________

· A covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."

________________________________

· Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

________________________________

· Another actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

________________________________

· Sample of letter writing:-

"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

________________________________

· A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'.... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post..........

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Anu Malik will use passwords chosen by somebody else
Rajnikanth doesn't need a password
ACP Pradyuman - daya_darwaza_tod_do ;) ;)

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I was just wondering what would happen if God decides to go hi-tech
and installs voicemail? I gave it a lot of thought and came up with
various scenarios: Let us imagine a scenario.

You dialed God's number. 'Hi! Thank you for calling God. Please select
one of the following:
If you are Christian, dial 1
All Hindus, dial 2
All Muslims, dial 3
All others, dial 0.'

So, let’s say you are a Hindu and you dialed 2. Here is what you hear:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thank you messages for God
Press 3 for Complaints about unfulfilled promises
Press 4 for All other inquiries.
If your prayers are still not answered, dial '0' and ask for Naradmuni.'

Or, if all Gods were busy, you might hear this: 'We are sorry, all our
Gods are busy helping other Bhaktas and Sinners. However, your prayer
is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received.
Please stay on line. One of the Gods will be with you soon.'

Or, it could even go this way when you start praying: 'If you know
your God's extension, dial it now.'

Or, you might hear this:
'If you would like to speak to Ganeshji, Press 1.
For Lord Hanuman, Press 2.
For Lord Krishna, Press 3.
To confess your sins, press 4.
To ask for favours, Press 5.'

Or, you might even hear this:'You have reached Lord Krishna's
extension. I am going to be away to conduct a special yuddha to save
the humanity and will be away until the year 2012.If this is something
urgent and cannot wait until then, call Shankar at GB +44
779000020000 Call.
If you want to speak to someone else, for other gods' directory, Press 6 now.'

Or you might even hear something like this if you call toward the end
of your life cycle: 'If you think you have reservations at our
Heavenly Resort, please provide your name, social security number and
be ready to provide the proof of your eligibility. If you do not have
the proof of eligibility, please dial 420-HELL and ask for General
Manager Ravana, who will be happy to help you.'

Or, depending on the purpose of your call, you might hear this: 'If
you are calling to find out if a loved one has been assigned to
Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her 'mantra' number, then press the 0
key. If you get a negative response, try area code 420-HELL.'

For all you know in this day and age of quotas and all, .you might
even get a response like this: 'Our computer records show that you
have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again
tomorrow.'

Or you might even here this if you call on the wrong day: 'This Main
Office of Heaven is closed for the holidays. If this is an emergency,
you may try our Himalayan Retreat in the mean time by dialing
6000-31,000.'

So, let us hope and pray that God never learns about computers -
because if he does, we are in Big trouble!--

Sent from my iPhone®

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As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

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