This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME : Greg Bulmash

SEX : Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION : Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY : $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION : Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD : Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY : Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT : My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING : It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK : Any.

PREFERRED HOURS : 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? : Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? : If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? : Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? : I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? : I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? : On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? : Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? : Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE : Aries.

REDMOND, WA - In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.

With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones, the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs, unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.

"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."

A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.

"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."

"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."

As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.

Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft. "We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers. "

Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world."

According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized. "Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."

Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week. Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling.

In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind. "Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes."

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls???

Here's a way to change all that...

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square... I find that 5"x5" is a good size... Divide the card into columns-five across and five down... That will give you 25 one-inch blocks...

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

• Synergy
• Strategic fit
• Core competencies
• Best practice
• Bottom line
• Revisit
• Expeditious
• To tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
• 24/7
• Out of the loop
• Benchmark
• Value-added
• Proactive
• Win-Win
• Think outside the box
• Fast track
• Result-driven
• Empower (or empowerment)
• Knowledge base
• At the end of the day
• Touch base
• Mindset
• Client focus(ed)
• Paradigm
• Game plan
• Leverage
  

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, you must stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!!!"

Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:

• "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." - Adam W., Atlanta

• "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - David T., Florida

• "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."- Dan J., New York City

• "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver

• "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours." - Bob Q., Indianapolis
  

Dear Hubby,
        I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever... I've been a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it... But, these last 2 weeks have been hell... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw... Last week, you came home & didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress... You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching all of your games... You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want anything that connects us as husband & wife... Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone!!

        Your Ex-Wife

P.S.:  Don't try to find me.  Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!  Have a great life!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex-Wife,
        Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter... It's true that you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been... I watch my games so much because they drown-out your constant whining & griping (too bad that doesn't work)... I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment... And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago... About those new silk dress: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning... After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out... So when I hit the lotto for $10 million, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica... But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess... I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted... My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me...
So take care...

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!!

P.S.:  I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born as Carla (woman).........I hope that's not a problem!!!

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!!

Thank You, Jane

############################################################################################################################################

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support”. You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME” Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a “C:\>I APOLOGIZE” command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm...

TRANSPORTATION:

1. It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
2. If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
3. If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
4. You drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
   

ANNUAL LEAVE:
        Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!). They are called Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
   

SICK DAYS:
        We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE:
        Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open.

INTERNET USAGE:
    All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (note: Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection).

Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

HAVE A GREAT DAY :)

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands...
        People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings... People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria... People with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the washroom... Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do...

        2. Use computers to look busy...
        Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer... You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work... These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either... When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars...

        3. Messy desk...
        Top management can get away with a clean desk... For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough... Build huge piles of documents around your workspace... To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts... Pile them high and wide... If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives...

        4. Voice Mail...
        Never answer your phone if you have voice mail... People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM... That's no way to live... Screen all your calls through voice mail... If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel... If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you... The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently... One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages... If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages... Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand...

        5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed...
        According to George Costanza of 'Seinfeld', one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy...

        6. Appear to Work Late...
        Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around... You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving... Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out... Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35 pm, 7:05 am, etc...) and during public holidays...

        7. Creative Sighing for Effect...
        Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed...

        8. Stacking Strategy...
        It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table... Put lots of books on the floor etc... Can always borrow from library... Thick computer manuals are the best...

        9. Build Vocabulary...
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products... Use it freely when in conversation with bosses... REMEBER: They don't have to understand what you say, but it sounds impressive