NOTE : The spellings are original...

• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

• Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

• Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administratin

• Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his fac

• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

• Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

• Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

• Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

• Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

• I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

• Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral

• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

• Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

• Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

• Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

• Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME : Greg Bulmash

SEX : Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION : Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY : $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION : Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD : Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY : Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT : My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING : It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK : Any.

PREFERRED HOURS : 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? : Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? : If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? : Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? : I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? : I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? : On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? : Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? : Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE : Aries.

REDMOND, WA - In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.

With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones, the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs, unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.

"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."

A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.

"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."

"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."

As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.

Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft. "We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers. "

Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world."

According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized. "Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."

Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week. Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling.

In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind. "Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes."

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls???

Here's a way to change all that...

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square... I find that 5"x5" is a good size... Divide the card into columns-five across and five down... That will give you 25 one-inch blocks...

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

• Synergy
• Strategic fit
• Core competencies
• Best practice
• Bottom line
• Revisit
• Expeditious
• To tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
• 24/7
• Out of the loop
• Benchmark
• Value-added
• Proactive
• Win-Win
• Think outside the box
• Fast track
• Result-driven
• Empower (or empowerment)
• Knowledge base
• At the end of the day
• Touch base
• Mindset
• Client focus(ed)
• Paradigm
• Game plan
• Leverage
  

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, you must stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!!!"

Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:

• "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." - Adam W., Atlanta

• "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - David T., Florida

• "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."- Dan J., New York City

• "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver

• "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours." - Bob Q., Indianapolis
  

IN PRISON : You spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell...
AT WORK : You spend most of your time in a 6'X8' cubicle...

IN PRISON : You get three meals a day (free)...
AT WORK : You only get a break for one meal and probably have to pay for it yourself...

IN PRISON : You get time off for good behavior...
AT WORK : You get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK...

IN PRISON : A guard locks and unlocks the doors for you....
AT WORK : You must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself...

IN PRISON : You can watch TV and play games...
AT WORK : You get fired for watching TV and playing games...

IN PRISON : They allow your family and friends to visit...
AT WORK : You can not even speak to your family and friends...

IN PRISON : All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all...
AT WORK : You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners...

Dear Hubby,
        I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever... I've been a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it... But, these last 2 weeks have been hell... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw... Last week, you came home & didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress... You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching all of your games... You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want anything that connects us as husband & wife... Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone!!

        Your Ex-Wife

P.S.:  Don't try to find me.  Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!  Have a great life!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex-Wife,
        Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter... It's true that you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been... I watch my games so much because they drown-out your constant whining & griping (too bad that doesn't work)... I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment... And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago... About those new silk dress: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning... After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out... So when I hit the lotto for $10 million, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica... But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess... I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted... My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me...
So take care...

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!!

P.S.:  I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born as Carla (woman).........I hope that's not a problem!!!

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!!

Thank You, Jane

############################################################################################################################################

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support”. You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME” Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a “C:\>I APOLOGIZE” command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Good Luck,
Tech Support

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and say, "I am very rich.Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing!!!

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says, "He's very rich.Marry him."
That's Advertising!!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and get her telephone number. The next day you call
and say, "Hi,I'm very rich.Marry me."
That's Telemarketing!!!

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her
bag after she drops it, offer her aride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich.Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations!!!

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says, "You are very rich.."
That's Brand Recognition!!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and say, "I'm rich.Marry me" She gives you a nice hard
slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback!!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and say, "I am very rich.Marry me!" And she introduces
you to her husband
That's Demand and supply gap!!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and before you say, "I am very rich.Marry me!" she
turns her face towards you ------------ she is your
wife!!!
That's competition eating into your market share

Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm...

TRANSPORTATION:

1. It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
2. If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
3. If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
4. You drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
   

ANNUAL LEAVE:
        Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!). They are called Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
   

SICK DAYS:
        We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE:
        Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open.

INTERNET USAGE:
    All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (note: Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection).

Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

HAVE A GREAT DAY :)